They say that people who perform with chronic anxiety are said to be “functional” I guess you could put me under that heading, although I think I could do so much more. Night is the worst for me. And as I lay in bed, I compulsively pray for my children, for their lives to not be cut short. I pray, more like beg, until I fall asleep. Sometimes it is hours, sometimes only minutes. My anxiety manifests itself through my biggest fears and plays on the fragility of our very existence on earth.
Faith is the undying knowledge that God has your back. That there is a God, and that he actually loves you. Can my anxiety and my Faith co-exist? Is Faith the kryptonite of my disease? My anxiety is much like a being and when Faith steps into the room, it rears upon its hind legs spitting fire and attacks. All while I lay in bed silently begging God to save my children.
The battle is waging inside of me every day, and as the war is raging, I am left wondering if they can co-exist, or if I have to choose. It may seem like an easy choice, but one is familiar and comforting in a sense. My anxiety has been the only constant in my life since I was a child. The other is black, deep, unending and may be the most beautiful idea to ever exist. Love. Undying and undeniable love. It’s not so easy, and every day is a battle to choose. Choose LOVE.